open Ended

the weirdest opinions in the world are those that were made by force. they really aren't real opinions, but we make them 'cause position, the look on the person you're talking with, situation dictates. and so you make an opinion

one that you probably never wanted to make.
what's really cool is

at times that opinion might just actually the best you've made
and you thank yourself for not shutting up.

and so you try to force an opinion the next time.
only to realize it won't always work.

and so you shut up again. and it goes on and on

until you unconsciously are listening to cues
when it's best to shut up and when it's best not to.
it works for some people

while some just better shut up all day.

lisnin to that to-the-left-to-the-left song
sortof readin platforms
feelin kinda resilient

Fallen, so Fall

and i know it's easy to say
but it's harder to feel this way
and i miss you more than i should,
than i thought i could
i can't get my mind off you

-Fear You Won't Fall, Joshua Radin

and it goes on with:

part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall

damn. if only. you knew that. before. but all's good dearie. all's good

i've been playing that over and over and over now. and i know i got lots of things to do but i just got to pause. 'cause falling shouldn't be something i would be doing now but this damn song reminds me i better. even if philo and theo tells me otherwise, that it ain't love if there's "falling" but then again part of the beauty of life is that freedom not to listen and just pause

and linger for a moment.
'cause i miss you more than i thought i could.

lisnin to Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
sortof readin Game Theory at Work
feelin kinda breezy

i heart whine

i'm blessed with friends willing to listen to all my whining and charmie has just realized it really does help. vica ofcourse is the veteran at this.

all in good spirits ofcourse, and not necessarily about the worst things.

past midnight and over wine, that was what my tito and i did too.
pretty much about each other.
about staying up late.
not getting to catch up on each other as much as we used to
family issues and stuff.
insights worth remembering and keeping and looking back to.

you postpone sleep but you get more in return.
only over good wine ofcourse

and always only for better times.
everything's going as planned.

what's cooler is you get to get away with the darnest things.
without stepping on anyone ofcourse

and always worth the while

lisnin to some weird ballad
sortof readin Game Theory at Work. very selfishly written. insightful nonetheless
feelin kinda focused.

asleep man typing

as opening night comes closer and closer, so do the stuff to learn are getting tougher and tougher. quite interesting how varied the reactions are. and it does not help that there are other things to think about.

or maybe it does.
take finance for example. i think i just failed that exam but history is on its way in a few hours. let's just say i did not quite start the year right academics-wise. and hope it ends there. 'cause i promise to work harder this time around.

and start appreciating those 730am classes or those my-sole-class-during-mondays-wednesdays-fridays theology classes.

yes, maybe they do help. [and since this is on to something good, they won't call me rationalizing] tough. and i hope i'm not wrong with this premature forecast that things are starting to get more bland. or maybe i'm becoming less tasteful.

don't karl. it's just the 230am you talking

lisnin to Marvin Gaye
sortof readin thoughts on justice
feelin kinda cold. aids' airconditioning i guess. and i just realized, every time i see r2d2 on a spacecraft, his head exposed to the elements, i feel cold too. for him, i guess. and this ain't the 230am me talking, it just does. but droids shouldn't know.

and maybe that's why we ought to feel for them
hush karl. too late for that

the old and Happy

a fear of mine is to lose my being youthful. to be all jaded and forget wondering.

so it felt quite weird when this old "student" of mine asked me if i could come over their elementary graduation. he was one of 20 i taught reading to last summer through HOPE. weird because it sort of reminded me of how old i am and it was timely 'cause today i realized that i was turning 20 this year, just like that old julie's bakeshop on the corner [it had 20-year anniv banners]. but it was sweet of them to still remember me and those noisy days gone by.

all part of growing up, they'll tell me. but then again we hardly ever listen.

lisnin to the Pussycat Dolls
sortof readin finance
feelin kinda loved and inspired and good to go. after slacking off ofcourse. wahehe

nowwhatdoyouknow

we deprive ourselves sometimes

of information
of food
of pleasure
of a sensation
of coffee
of sleep
of comprehension

and though at that very moment when we decide to do so
it never really seems

useful
convenient
entertaining
healthy
nice

we deprive ourselves anyway
without really

knowing
caring
thinking
oh-ok-ing

only to catch yourself

a moment
an hour
a movie
a day
a weekend

later
with a smile.

and all that depriving suddenly

was worth it
made sense
is beautiful.

period piece

not the happiest week.
survived nonetheless.
and that paolo nutini song.
last request.
keeps me sane.
for now.
life's a blur.
quite literally.
than expected.
i wish.
life's a paragraph.
that each time.
a sentence ends.
you period.

we'll soon see.

lisnin to Last Request - Paolo Nutini
sortof readin Properties
feelin kinda unhappy but working on it

get Hammered

i was amazed when uana shared a grey's phrase that she thought reminded her of me and how this very phrase was the very message i sent [much to my surprise a few minutes later] to myself around 3am

why do i keep hitting myself with the hammer?
'cause it feels so good when i stop.

and apparently a lot of people have heard of it and have thought of it. and i love it.

and yes, i send text messages to myself. not 'cause i'm bored and lonely and desperate. but 'cause i too need a little reminding every now and then.

i remember how back in grade school and high school you're foolish was usually thrown around. and i remember how i would always reply

well, who's more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him?

and since then i always thought it was mine. i mean, that i thought of it. only to be reminded of star wars ep4 the other day that no, it's obi-wan's.

some works of art [this movie, that show, today's itinerary] are just so good at reminding. even if they do hurt sometimes.

lisnin to Bamboo
sortof readin finance
feelin kinda guilty and not guilty. thanks charmie for letting me whine.

exercise calls

...or some sport.
'cause i'm having a feeding frenzy.

and i know you too don't love me
but we sure had a great time.

lisnin to Timeless - India Arie and Sergio Mendes
sortof readin In Cold Blood again
feelin kinda unfazed.

cancer Mentality

that crab is stinky, i think it needs a bath
-my little cousin on what would soon be my lunch

i already had a plan for today, saturday.
an itinerary from 7am in the airport 'til 7am tomorrow at marie's house after a gran miggydor drinking session.

but NO.
tummy trouble
and another cousin in trouble.

i would not be surprised if he has cancer.
he is only two.

something about his white blood cells.
tough world.

two of my good ask-me-a-random-why friends asked me that today.
why does it have to be that tough?

my favorite answer, though i still find disturbing:
i don't know. but we do what we can

even if it's as tough as cancer

lisnin to Irreplaceable by some woman
sortof readin ym conversations. from blueREP finance to potential candidates
feelin kinda misunderstood.

my Debris

it's nice to give up sometimes.
then try to gather 'round the pieces and come up with something more beautiful.

scott adams thinks that's what God is doing.
[i here link you to God's Debris again]

and boy have i split myself into a gazillion pieces.
worse, i'm having trouble convincing myself to be guilty about a lot of great but not so good stuff lately.

what's interesting is that moral theology is actually teaching me something.
yup, outside fr. oliver's class. and yup, during the break.
and yup, i've convinced myself that that be alibi enough for slacking off.

talk about an erroneous conscience.
wonder if it'd be more beautiful like it has always been

'cause i'm starting to freak out that i'm becoming too fortunate, too blessed.
some people don't deserve everything.

and that includes me.

lisnin to myself. make that trying to listen
sortof readin star wars picture books
feelin kinda thoughtful. it means so differently now

company Call

now i actually thought we were laughing at the same old stuff.
but no, conversations with old friends have grown.

and what used to be really funny is now really laugh-with-a-tear-or-two funny. even when not everyone is around. though it would have been nice.

we've grown. even pink vibrators or weird snatchers don't dampen our moods. they titillate them. and the company

oh the company
yes the company

you know that that's always there to go back to.
even if the messages do get incoherent at times
even if some people take longer than expected
even if parents disagree
even if the weather doesn't cooperate
even if it ends in a few days

'cause knowing it was here
is reason enough to believe
it will always be

lisnin to Nice and Slow - Craig David
sortof readin the economist on saddam
feelin kinda bold