i wish you some pain

there's a scene right in the middle of spring awakening
where she asks him to beat her

and beat her hard.
and some members of the audience earlier
and some members of the audience last night
giggle.

not as hard. but they giggle.
and i find that hard to understand.

but it's okay, this is not about that.
this is about wishing for some pain.
and how i am so sure that i can totally relate to that.

i wished for some pain, once.
i once leapt knowing i would fall flat on my face.
i once disobeyed. no, twice or thrice. no, more.
and i did get what i wished for.
even if i knew i had to be careful what i wish for.

and it hurt. so why-did-i-wish-for-this-again bad. like
"that moment you know when you're fucked,
not an inch more room to self-destruct"

and it hurt some more.
but sometime between then and now
it felt good.

not just to know. but also to feel. and it's so hard to explain
so i suggest you watch the show (link here).

for the mean time, i giggle.