to Detach

nothing like caffeine to sober you up.
the cab driver said he was real sleepy, that sobered me up too.

somebody used the word detach during sanggunuman earlier and it just kept on repeating itself in my head ever since. and aaron is probably joking about losing hope on love 'cause i am not so sure if that's altogether possible. but it merits a think-about.

i think to detach is a whole lot easier to say than to let go. to detach isn't nuanced with moments of holding on, moments of hoping against hope, moments of wishful thinking. and it makes it all the more safe for my ego.

'cause beneath my childlike, often-annoyingly-so exterior is a selfish ego who simply wants his desires fulfilled. nothing wrong with that right [provided of course it doesn't end in egoism but that's a different matter altogether]. it starts to become less simple when one wonders whether this or that desire deserves to be fulfilled, and up to what lengths does one have to go to figure that out.

'cause saying no early in the game simply increases the number of what-ifs in your life. but not saying no, means saying yes, which means entering a maze of good times and bad times. not bad at all. but there are mazes that seem endless and experience dictates that there are mazes that actually are endless. worse, they all seem to look like similar mazes to me.

not always of course. i mean, come on. but what's most interesting isn't what lies at the end of the maze and here you talk about journey over destination bladibla. now i think that's just all too sugarcoated sometimes. 'cause it can get much too tiring. nakakapagod would sum it up better.

and so i detach [oftentimes unsuccessfully] hoping that carrying so many what-ifs is more convenient, more safe, less tiring. and suddenly, even detach is nuanced.

lisnin to I Am Not My Hair - India Arie
sortof readin notes of my speech to a student congress in rizal, which was okay, sadly.
feelin kinda hot.