Epicurean & Suicidal

you don't really kill yourself when you really seriously want to kill yourself.
and that's why i think thoughts of suicide are healthy, productive thoughts. there's something beautiful about thinking about destruction that you get to value creation more and that yearning to be oh so prolific.

suicide is about giving up, they say. but the coward in me thinks otherwise, that maybe you just reach a point in your life when you realize what matters to you may already be passe. at the end of the day, you ofcourse don't give up. at the very least you make do with what you have and move on until you chance upon something so seemingly new and fresh and matter-ful that you think the mere thought of suicide is just absurd. then comes the pleasure of realizing that you've thought about thinking about--thinking about thinking about thinking about.

pleasing 'cause not only does it not hurt, it also temporarily isolates you from a lot of good and bad things. and that's why the question of suicide and living is always a question, mysterious albert camus would say. always a question because whether it's pleasing now, suicidal later, pleasing after, suicidal again, then pleasing then good then bad then good, the question begs to be attended to. and so you really seriously think about it.

only to live another day.

happy
pleased
but serious
thought of
and mysterious.